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The Dark Place

Posted by Bill on October 28, 2014 at 12:50 AM

Over 20 years have passed since I tried to take my life. There were major contributors to the stress and anxiety that brought me to that dark place. I was 18 years old.

 

At the time, the relationship with my father had been severed. My girlfriend broke up with me. My own life was going nowhere, and, I was a bit of a mess – to say the least. These two events felt like huge losses in my life back then. No one I came into contact with was able to pick up on my intense desire -- to end my life – to suicide. It didn't matter that other people thought my problems were not that huge -- to me, they were insurmountable. This was the last straw in a series of failures in my life.

 

I heard about other people’s survival stories. Of how they overcame tragedies in their lives. It didn’t matter. My problems seemed bigger. I was convinced that nobody cared about me and that I was alone…yet again. It was obvious to me, no one cared to hear why I wanted to just DIE. I was ashamed of my weakness. I was afraid that things would never get better. I was convinced of it.

 

No. Like most others who have experienced this dark place, I isolated myself. I became my own best counsellor, judge and executioner. To escape this pain and humiliation I would have to take matters into my own hands – literally. So, I slashed my wrists. I won’t go any further with the devilish details of this.

 

After the ordeal at the hospital was over, I sat in my room alot -- thinking. My mind wandered from time to time back to those morbid thoughts. It would be so easy to go back there -- to that dark place. Somehow, a gentle voice -- piercing thought – sliced into the swell of my mind. "Is that what you want your mother to go through?" Right at that moment, the vision of my mother's face was before me. Her reassuring smile was no longer there. Instead she was weeping bitterly. I realized what I had just done. For a moment the spell of suicide was broken. This was the beginning of a long journey.

 

I know about those thoughts that tell you “You’re NOT worth anything!” Those screeching, vile voices that repeatedly harass you to, “Just do it—do--it--DO IT!” I succumbed to those thoughts then. I struggled with them for years later. I healed from them over time. Today – and every day – is a good day. I have put things back into perspective. I have gained back control of my life. A life I have vowed to protect daily. A life, now dedicated to helping others like myself find their way back...from the dark place.

 

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5 Comments

Reply demetre
1:06 AM on October 28, 2014 
This content has been removed due to abuse.
Reply Demetre
3:54 AM on October 29, 2014 
One more thing. I recall being informed about your attempt to suicide. I remember the intense feelings of helplessness and guilt I felt. I have always been a natural helper. Here was a situation where I felt powerless to help. Not because I did not want to, but, because I had no film loop in my head of what to do. I felt paralyzed and speechless. I worried about you trying to take you life again...and yet, I avoided talking to you about it then. I am glad we are working together today to help other like ourselves. The person-at-risk and the uniformed helper. Our work with ASIST training has been richly rewarding and has brought healing to me. The knowledge from the course has allowed me to move on past the guilt. To be ready, willing and able to intervene when the situation calls for it....
Reply Christine B
11:52 PM on October 31, 2014 
That is such a valuable and valiant blog post. Thank you for sharing!
Reply Bill
10:49 PM on November 8, 2014 
I'm glad we are working together. Please don't feel bad. Now lets move forward and help save lives.
Demetre says...
One more thing. I recall being informed about your attempt to suicide. I remember the intense feelings of helplessness and guilt I felt. I have always been a natural helper. Here was a situation where I felt powerless to help. Not because I did not want to, but, because I had no film loop in my head of what to do. I felt paralyzed and speechless. I worried about you trying to take you life again...and yet, I avoided talking to you about it then. I am glad we are working together today to help other like ourselves. The person-at-risk and the uniformed helper. Our work with ASIST training has been richly rewarding and has brought healing to me. The knowledge from the course has allowed me to move on past the guilt. To be ready, willing and able to intervene when the situation calls for it....
Reply Bill
10:50 PM on November 8, 2014 
Christine B says...
You're welcome and thanks for taking the time to read my blog.
That is such a valuable and valiant blog post. Thank you for sharing!